Rodents Don't Like Water
by MikiNare
Summary: Top Gear! Inspired from the episode where Richard Hammond gets hynotized by Paul McKenna. Just a laugh. Rating for James May's expletive.


I watched an episode of Top Gear where Paul McKenna hypnotized Richard Hammond into thinking 911 Porsches are the best cars in the world. It was very funny. I couldn't get to sleep one night and this just came to me. I just wrote it for the banter. Hehe. Hope you like. Please review if you do! Enjoy.

**Rodents Don't Like Water**

"911s are the best. You just can't beat them."

"Can we put him back to normal now?" James asked, helpful as ever.

"He is back to normal, or as normal as he can be." Jeremy clamped a hand on Richard's shoulder and squeezed affectionately. The younger man smiled up at his friend and turned his head to look at the silver Porsche gleaming behind him. James stifled a chuckle and shook his head. By this time the audience were filtering out and the crew were scuttling about tidying and packing away equipment from the show that had just finished.

"Let's get him a cup of tea." Jeremy started to turn Richard round to the way of their dressing room when suddenly the shorter man let out a high-pitched squeal and jumped a foot in the air. James and Jeremy leaped a mile back, eyes wide in surprise.

"We race the 911 Porsche against a cheetah!! Just think – fastest land animal versus the fastest car beast."

"Jeremy…" James began. Jeremy took his friend's elbow in a firm grasp.

"Come on Hamster."

Richard tugged free and ran back over to the car once again, admiring the structure and beauty and running a hand over the contours of its bodywork.

"It's the most amazing thing…" He whispered.

"Let's go, mini me." Jeremy and James took an arm each and pulled the dazed man along the studio.

"No! Wait!" Richard yelled and tried to pull free.

"John, go get the hypnotist guy back pronto!"

"He's already left for his book signing."

"Uh oh." James patted his young friend's head and raised his eye-brows to Jeremy as Richard started his enthusiastic rambling about the 911.

"Sit." Jeremy pushed him into a chair and handed him a glass of water.

"Jeremy I don't want a drink, I want…." Before he could go on however, the glass was shoved between his lips and held there with another hand at the back of his neck. Richard frowned up at him over the glass and reluctantly gulped down the cold liquid.

"Are you, you?"

"What you talking about?" Richard demanded and then leaned forward a little grin sliding up his face. "I know what we should be talking about…"

"Oh Lord. James, help." Jeremy threw his hands in the air and stared at the five foot seven man whose eyes were flooding with excitement and hands were rapidly jerking about in anticipation.

"Hammond, snap out of it." James clicked his fingers furiously in front of Richard's face. The young man batted his hands away like a cat playing with a toy.

"I think we need to call Paul McKenna and get him back to sort him."

"Vrrroooooooom. The soundtrack is amazing. Vrrrrrrrooooooom!" Richard leaped to his feet and bounced from foot to foot. Then he shaped his hands like the way they would sit on a steering wheel and started driving round the room – like some mad five year old.

James and Jeremy watched their friend for a moment in utter bemusement before James stalked out the room to find a phone.

"Do you want a lift in my new Porsche, Clarkie?" Richard asked screeching to a halt in front of him. He waggled his eye-brows up and down expectantly.

"Come on, baby!" He yelled to his imaginary car and took off round the room once more.

"Where's that Jesus guy when you need him? We need a miracle."

Ten minutes later and James re-emerged, phone pinned to his ear. He was nodding and 'yeah'-ing into it before he clicked off. Jeremy had his hands over his eyes as he relaxed in a recliner. Richard was re-fuelling his car i.e. he was drinking some lemonade from wearing himself out.

"To help clear the temporary mind-control and regain the person's concentration and normal thinking capacity we need to shock him out of his daze. Paul suggested dunking him in freezing cold water."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah." James sealed with a sincere smile.

"And just how are we going to do that?"

"It was your idea to experiment with the Hamster."

"You can't bail out and leave motor-boy with me."

"Can't I?"

"May!"

"Right, okay. I'll go switch the shower on and you get him to stop running around."

"Easier said than done." Jeremy grimaced and stood up.

"Hamster." He stated firmly. No reaction.

"Richard." He said again and the reply was the brakes of the 911 as he sped round chairs and coffee tables.

"Hammond!!" He finally yelled and was pleased to see his young friend brake and look at him with a rather annoyed expression.

"Come here." He gestured with a finger.

"Jeremy, I can't just drop out of a race cause you say so…"

"Hammond." He was using the tone he usually reserved for his children when they refused to go to their bed.

Richard sighed and dropped his hands and, pouting, he walked slowly over.

"What?"

"You're going for a shower."

"What?" Richard immediately looked down at himself. "Do I smell?"

"No, it's to shock you out of this mind-control thing."

Richard giggled and patted Jeremy's chest. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Could ask you the same thing."

"Righto. Shower is on, coldest setting." James explained joining Jeremy.

"You're kidding?!" Richard looked between both his closest friends. They both shook their heads and as they stepped forward he took off in his car once more racing it for all it was worth.

Unfortunately, being the smallest and having the shortest legs, Jeremy took two great leaps and grabbed him by the collar of his leather jacket. He struggled out of it, but James got a fistful of shirt and soon Jeremy had him flung over his shoulder and was marching off into the bathroom.

"Put me down!" Richard thumped on the older man's back and hollered loudly.

"It's for your own good."

"Rodents don't like water." James observed.

"May, shut up." Jeremy growled.

They made it to the bathroom and lowered the struggling man to his feet, holding him in place.

"Get off me!" He yelled and then yelped out as Jeremy locked his arms round the shorter man's waist and lifted him into the shower. Richard coughed and spluttered, hitting out blindly as the freezing cold liquid poured down his head, flattening his hair and blending his shirt into a second skin. It clutched his body and he shuddered violently.

"Oww!" He heard a clamour. "The little cock just punched me in the face!"

As the water cascaded down him, he suddenly felt like waking from a deep sleep. He blinked and stopped struggling against Jeremy's grip. A moment of disorientation descended upon him and then everything clicked into place. His infatuation with the 911 became a distant memory and he swayed a little on his feet as his mind raced to catch up. James placed a hand on his back to steady his younger friend and Jeremy reached for a towel.

"Guys?" Richard asked, a little confused.

"You're back with us, Hamster."

"Oh." He shivered from the cold until Jeremy wrapped a towel round him.

"What happened?"

"You thought you were a car." James answered, running another towel through Richard's hair.

"Oh."

A moment passed, the only noise was from the last drops of water falling from the showerhead.

"What one?"

"Does it matter?" Jeremy exclaimed. "You thought you were a car!"

"What one?"

"A 911." James replied.

"A 911?!" A beat. "Cool! Have you heard the noise the engine makes? It's like a caged beast roaring to be free. It's like…..Vrooooom vrrrrrrrooooooooooom!!" Then he shrugged off the towel and dashed between his friends. "Zero to sixty in 2.4 seconds. Vrooooom!" Then he sprinted out the room, hands spinning frantically on an invisible steering wheel.

"What the…." Jeremy began. "Didn't we fix him then?"

"I think that's him _back_ to normal, mate."

"You're kidding?!"

"Vroooooooooooooooom!"

**The End**

The 'Jesus' guy mentioned is one guy Jeremy spotted in the audience with a beard and long hair and teased him for looking like Jesus. Lol. Jeremy Clarkson legend. Also, I have no clue about cars, so I apologise if the some car info is a little off. Ha ha. Review! Thanks for reading. X


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